It is obvious that we live in a golden age of failure. Across America, people on Mondays decide that meeting a mug of something with X on Thursday will be a great idea. But when suddenly Thursday comes, they realize that it will be much better to go home, fall on the bed and watch a video from the Carpool Karaoke channel. Therefore, they send SMS or a letter with the text "Sorry, I'll have to give up today's gatherings. Many affairs. The grandmother discovered a bubonic plague … "
Delaying cases is one of the defining properties of the current moment, for it serves as a link for larger trends: the uncertainty of modern social ties, the decomposition of duties, what my friend Hayley Darden calls" ethics Flexibility ", which quickly rose thanks to applications for smartphones. Not to mention the decline of civilization, the destruction of morality and the disappearance of everything that is dear to us.
Failures begin with a certain mental disorder, from a person who has ephemeral enthusiasm for communicating with others, but with limited knowledge about his own future desires. In theory, the proposal to meet an interesting person seems fine, or at least quite interesting. A person who wants to please everyone around, agrees to all invitations, unconsciously realizing that he can later abandon them.
A brutal reality keeps mum, until you look at the calendar and find that next Thursday at 16:00 You have five different cases planned, and there will not be a free evening until 2021. You are covered with a fog of panic, good intentions disappear, and the refusenier begins to refuse.
And technology makes this process easier. Just get the phone out and dropping off is just as easy as dropping a trip to Uber.
There are different categories of bounces. There are refusals to meet with friends. And then, apparently, there is a certain failure curve. People easily refuse to meet with close friends, as they will understand everything, and with the distant ones, since they do not matter much. But they are less inclined to refuse to meet with friends who are somewhere in the middle of this scale.
There are professional refusals. They have a hierarchical structure. A person with a higher status will often refuse to meet with a lower status person, but if some trainee suddenly refuses to meet with one of the directors, this will be a sign of serious disrespect.
And there are people on the remote. In the information age, there were masters of communication – they collect millions of useful contacts, understand the strength of weak links and refuse to talk on the net with a cold look of the killer when they get a better offer.
I read online discussions to understand ethics And bounce etiquette. Surprised by the number of people who easily refuse meetings and do not see a problem in it.
They talk about our right to control our time and take control of our lives. Those who are denied, we should understand that sometimes other people are too exhausted to fulfill their promises.
Indeed, sometimes there is nothing wrong with rejection. In 50% of cases I am happy when people cancel a meeting with me. They just gave me an unexpected free time period.
But we need to try to make it harder to give up. Technology strives to facilitate any action, but friendship needs tie bonds. Technology is pushing us to increase efficiency, but probably we need to acquire social rules that create obstacles on our way.
We could come up with three moral barriers that any refusal should face.
First, is the reason for refusal valid (you urgently needed your children, the kidney donor suddenly appeared for you) or is it not respectful (are you tired, want to be alone)?
The second – did you deserve (sent an honest Text, suggested a different date for replacement), or you about (Tell me how busy you are, are you the only person that matters)?
Third, did you think about how this would affect another person? (I concluded that it's almost always a mistake to refuse to attend an important event for someone else-weddings, birthdays, funerals, because your absence will be noticed.)
Personally, I sin that from For my clumsiness, I often assign two cases for the same time and forget to write the cases on the calendar. I refuse to meet when I am assigned a job.
I would probably use some social norms condemning refusals; They would encourage me to think carefully about promises before giving them, to reflect on how I spend time, and to worry about too many promises and too poor fulfillment.
Most recently, Social duties are not treated as a one-time sticker with a note; People took it for granted that reliability is a key element of good relationships, that you spend your life the way you spend your time, and that if you do not deceive people who matter to you, you have a chance to build a deeper and Quality friendship, live better, and so that you are respected.
Of course, all this disappeared with the advent of smartphones.